i'm effing developing an ulcer, i know it. i'm completely open to anxiety, and anything will set it off. not anything, but a mere mention of cancer, death, weather, will do it. which is like, every 10 minutes.

i've just been told there's another typhoon coming, but it's from my family. i hate to make generalizations, but i will right now. this whole effing island runs on a network of chinese whispers so that if someone says, "oh, i saw that satellite photo on tv, it looks like another storm" at 9am, by 10am our house will be boarded up and people will be panicking in the streets. i know there isn't a typhoon coming, i know i have to take everything with a grain of salt, but i am so wound up right now i am shaking.

i am a fucking, pathetic wreck and i need to get a grip. i need to make myself strong so that when the bad *does* arrive, i will be physically able to cope, even though mentally i know i will shut down as always.